A test

Its been a while since I have posted. Life got away from me. Lol. I realize that the last couple post have been kind of downers but I'm just keeping it real folks. Life has been rough the past 12 months here in our house.  It would be nice if everything was perfect and nothing bad ever happened, but I realize if it was like that, I wouldn't have any reason to turn to God.
       It feels like one thing after another comes up. And I'll be honest- in the past I panic and just freak out when things come up that I'm not prepared for. And I'll be honest again- I think it was test from God. To see how I handle it. I'm beginning to see that. Well for the past week now I've been sick. The Dr has no idea whats going on. Lots of testing- gallbladder, cat scan for Appendicitis, kidney stones, ovaries, colon, UTI. . etc. Everything is coming back clean. Yesterday while waiting for the cat scan results I realized how fearful I was of the results. I was terrified. At the Dr's office before going to get the cat scan the Dr had said if it is appendix you will go in immediently for surgery. I was extremely fearful. Anyone that knows me knows that I do not care for hospitals or Drs in general. Now our dr is great, love him, and hospitals are wonderful when the need is real. But I just get anxious and nervous when I have to be in a hospital. I was fearful of the whole thing. I just prayed. I prayed the entire time while sitting in radiology waiting to get the cat scan, I prayed the entire time while waiting to get results. Called my mom and her her pray, Chadd was praying. I just kept repeating to myself "God has not given us a spirit of fear". I prayed for peace. And I'll be honest, I was still nervous as can be but I felt more at peace. I didnt want to be admitted and have surgery, I didnt want to leave my girls in someone else's car while I was in the hospital, I was worried about Addy since she is going through a scared phase and will scream if anyone but chadd or I hold her, I wanted to be at home with my girls.  The cat scan took 5 minutes, then we sit there another hour waiting for results. Longest hour of my life. When the CAT scan technician can out I was literally holding my breath. I have never been so relieved in my life to hear "its all clean, you can go home". I drove the whole way home literally crying my eyes out I was so relieved.
   Long story short- We still dont know whats going on with me but I do feel a little better knowing its nothing serious. The night before the cat scan I laid in bed fearful of my appendix busting on me. Last night I actually slept well knowing whatever is going on is nothing major. My fear is gone.
         I know without a doubt that it was test to see if I was going to hold my fear or let go and trust God. And I am happy to say I think I passed the test.
         We also found out 3 months ago that Kianna has a Kidney Reflux. Meaning her kidneys dont flush everything out. Thus leaving her more suseptable to  UTIs and infections. As a mom the thought of her having to deal with this for the next few years is rough. Dr says most kids grow out of it once they hit teen years. So I am grateful she wont deal with it her entire life. But as a child and having already had 2 UTI's I know its rough on her.  I try to tell myself be thankful its something simple and easily kept in control. It could be worse.  But again- I was fearful of what all she would have to face being so young.  Including a yearly xray to keep tabs on her reflux.
           In general I am a fearful person. I dont like being at home by myself, I dont like being out at night myself,  I feel like I live in fear because I dont like our neighborhood, I live in fear of something financially major coming up and not being able to cover it. I realize I live in fear alot. And I know I am not near the point of living without fear right now, but I know after yesterday I am beginning to overcome it better.